The Big Cleanse
Walking Away from a Monster Year – 2017
Prologue – Emergence
This is the first time that I am sitting down and writing for 2018, so why start with 2017? 2017 was a rough year on many levels – finances, writing, spiritual, relationships (ending a six-year love soulmate connection), and struggling with some very dark moments, all the while cleansing my toxic energy – fighting my way back to my core dreams and self. The year started and ended with blows to my finances and dreams of completing my research, and it also ended with the realization that the real me had been hiding for a very long time. Part of that fear was feeling as though I could no longer seek my true North without losing him; I was walking on glass like I had done twenty-five years ago prior to my divorce.
However, the bulk of my angst during 2017 came from the fact that I had stopped writing. Yes, I wrote here and there, but I didn’t get a book written, or move the ball on my blogs, or not going live consistently with my vlogs? After a few sessions with a dear friend and psychologist, I realized that I was in a deep depression brought on by PTSD. What would I do? What could I do? More importantly, what was I willing to do? Another year was fast approaching, and I was lost – okay – not lost but definitely fighting my way through a maze.
The article below is the first in a series that answers those questions. There are going to be some folks who will just walk away – their circus, their monkeys – and then there will be others that accept a different and global perspective on seeing life in all its wonder without judgment or fear – I judge no one on their decision, because we all walk our walk on different planes of spirituality, logic, common sense, and wisdom. The lessons, thoughts, or ideas that I will be writing this year will not be everyone’s “cup of tea”, but if you are willing to give it a chance, I truly believe that there will be a nugget of inspiration, wisdom, and/or just a plain good ‘ole fashion laugh captured by the reader. Keep an open mind and fasten your seatbelts!
Introduction – the Veil of Rejection
I wrote about this in my book, 30 Back Pocket Lessons; it is worth repeating to set up the conclusion I came to on December 31st of 2017. When I was a small girl, I began having vivid dreams in color and full-surround sound. The dreams were often of a friend’s accident or in one case death…and they all came to fruition. At the same time, I began having deep philosophical discussions with my grandfather, father, and Aunt Maria (my godmother).
The talks ranged from political and religious theory, to the deep meaning of coming home to one’s soul. On one particular occasion, my father and I were driving to my grandparents’ home
in Fort Worth from ours in Arlington – the entire trip we went back and forth on the cycle of one man’s life. I kept stressing how lessons are repeated over and over until the man learned his lesson; it was not God’s punishment, but His way of patiently waiting for his child to get it. As he parked outside Grandpa and Grandma’s house, he turned to me and said, “Cindy, I don’t want you to talk about things like that anymore, or tell others about your dreams. You’re right, but it scares people and they won’t like you.”
From that moment on, with only a few rare exceptions, I kept my mouth shut. It seemed as though being liked was more important than deep thought. Looking back, I harbor no ill feelings toward my Dad, not anymore than I do to the racial bias I fell victim to throughout my childhood…for me I see it as them being ill equipped to deal with different. I was and am different. That difference does not make me better or less than anyone else; it just makes me, me: but I did let it get buried deep within my soul – that connection to God and the idea that (and according to the Book of Matthew) He resides in EVERYONE and EVERYTHING – and there it stayed until now.
The idea that God was in everyone and everything, drove me then and now to seek knowledge; it was my internal rock that many speak of my having, but never wanted to embrace themselves. Whether that knowledge and acceptance is utilized on a daily basis, becomes an individual choice and right…the Good Lord did give man freewill. So, when I finally sat down to evaluate myself, my life, and my path forward from 2017 in mid-December of last year, I reverted back to my deep belief and acceptance of Christ’s parable of about one’s talents/gifts, also in the Book of Matthew. You are either going to use them or you are going to hide them, and explain the why upon your transition.
I had honestly been thinking what kept me walking round and round in the foggy maze the whole year? Did I not want to face the truth? I knew I was not being true to myself; I was still living in fear of not being liked. Let me stop here and say that I never and still do not think winning Most Popular or attaining the Homecoming Queen crown was or is the ultimate prize. Finding yourself as an adult, accepting the good, being accountable to the bad, and reactivating that inner child’s belief and dreams is the crown that I wanted to wear. Instead, I was still living in a cocoon, keeping my deep-held belief of God being in everything and everywhere to myself, existing behind my closed door exploring different religions and methods to hearing God’s messages. I pulled out my Bible on a daily basis, used verses in my speeches and writings, and connected with God in nature, but there was more to my observations, more to my heartfelt need to benefit others, and more to me that was hidden under a bushel labeled in neon letters – FEAR OF REJECTION.
How would I lift that veil? Where would I even start to dig through my fears? I completely disagree with the idea that you can just walk away from your past…how is that possible? It’s not.
Your past makes up your now; it does not have to own your pathway, but it is in the shadows lurking. The past has power, because the shadow is very seldom confronted. I think two primary reasons create the power the past has over us whether we acknowledge it or not. First, is the tribe you surround yourself with. Your tribe is very important to dealing with the shadow side; the tribe provides cover from external naysayers and Don Quixote’s windmills; without that support system – going it alone is daunting and either draws out the process or you eventually acquiesce to that never-ending story, lay down your sword and muddle along on a worn path.
The second primary reason is looking at yourself in the mirror. Courage is required. I found mine, again in the Book of Matthew – “Stand up. Do not be afraid. …truly I tell you, if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can tell this mountain to move from here to there, and it will. Nothing will be impossible for you.” The dark mountain aptly named The Bygone can be moved. My way is not necessarily the best way or even a way for anyone but myself. (I am no doctor, psychiatrist, or psychologist, or any type of therapist…though I recommend them highly, and I have used them in the past.) but for this piece, I am solely focused on how I began the process of moving The Bygone to the side, so that I could walk into my authentic, adventurous, advocate self, worthy of it all. That decision happened on December 31st 2017, during the months of January and February of this year, I laid out my plan of transformation to be launched on my birthday, March 7th. Here is the launch…
As I turn 56 today, I wanted to really connect with you on a soul level. I know that you, yourself, are full of fear…fear to love, succeed, die, age gracefully, and to be your authentic self to everyone. That’s okay, so am I, but the time has come to part company. You have been a loyal friend, a little intrusive at times, truth be told, I could always count on you popping up when I needed a reason not to love fully or write my soul’s deepest wisdom.
I know you mean well, and this is a shock to you, especially because I have clung desperately at times to your balm of anxiety, worry, and stress. As I woke this morning, however I’m willing to go it alone on my journey of living fully, and not just being alive.
Instead of relying on you, I’ve decide it’s time to reconnect solely with my Divine friend – Father, Good Lord, and Holy Spirit – you may know Him as the Holy Trinity aka God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost.
So, my dearest deadliest friend, I say farewell…yes, I know that you might pop up as I begin this journey sans fear, but I’m ready to say, “Thank you, but no thank you.” You see Fear, there is a big world out there to explore and a smaller one inside of me to find, and with so little time, in the grand scale of time left on my finite stay here on Earth, I really want to use my energy walking around corners, searching the unknowns, and loving with a passion that would even cause Fear fear. That vulnerability to be, and to have no desire to win anyone’s approval is so fascinating so my heart and soul; it’s the only road I want to walk now.
Oh, I hear you, old friend, yes, I have a plan of moving on. Actually, I’ve been working it for the past few months. You want what? Well that’s funny, you want me to share the plan…okay, the first step…SEEKING NEW ADVENTURES! (To be continued...)