HOW THE DAILY MUSE CAME ABOUT
It’s been a month since my fifty-sixth birthday. I see the aging process externally, and feel it internally, but mentally and emotionally, I am happier and more focused than I have been since my fortieth birthday!
My forties were a deep dark cavern of emotional and financial upheavals. I could not get my footing after leaving my chosen profession. That heavy weight of sadness and doubt began to lift when I entered my new decade of the fifties, but it still lingered. Only then it was a foggy gray color, and the cavern became a rickety stick hut with an occasional rain flooding my floors. The sun did shine more than not, but those stormy winds kept pushing against my comfort zone. I just could not define my path forward. I began to dabble in writing, wrote two books; exploring my photography and filmmaking skills, and creating more art, but it was a dabble as I still pursued my political and government career. That is until two weeks ago!
On the day that I celebrated my fifty-sixth birthday, and despite the one person I wanted a cheerful, “Happy Birthday” from, ended not being so cheerful, I looked in my mirror, and asked, “What now? You’re standing at a fork-n-the-road, what are you going to do, Cynthia Anne (heard my dad’s voice – yikes). You have to make decisions about your career and your relationship. Or don’t, you must except that as your decision and live with the consequences of stagnation. So, what is it? Be your authentic self or be quiet and die a slow death of restlessness.”
As I walked back into the livingroom I told myself, “He gave you a gift and the ability and skills to express your talent, so what is keeping you from being and living your self-expression each and every day?”
Sometimes, I wish those hamsters and all their questions would just SHUT UP! But they are right. It was time to make a few big decisions and stick to them.
The first step I took was to read Nancy Levin’s book, Worthy. Wow, just wow! Talk about a life-changing read. It pushed me to look deep as to why I was not having an abundant life – financially and in relationships. I worked the questions (continue to do so…before enlightenment and after enlightenment, you have to keep working at building your wisdom card) and after two weeks, I made two decisions. One was far easier than the other, but they would be my way out of that hut.
First, I decided to leave behind the world of politics and government as far as actually working in either. I will still on occasion write or vlog about them, but I am not going to pursue the campaign jobs or policy building contracts. Nope, I am going to delve head first into my ENCORE performance. That performance will be built around my authentic creative self. I will dedicate my writing to freelancing and producing books; I will vlog as a second source of reaching out to inspire others; I will study and produce videos as a way to prepare myself for my upcoming documentary; I will develop stories through photojournalism; and I will take out my canvases and paints and begin producing art for sale. I can hear the naysayers saying, “You can’t do all that. Just pick one.” Well to Hell with that! When I left the Governor’s Office in 2003, they had to hire four people to do what I had been doing. If I can produce that much work for someone else, I can do it for myself!
The big issue would be to write from all my sources openly. I will delve into that statement in my first vlog. For now, let me just say, I take seriously the verse, God is in everything, everywhere and everyone…some walk away from that knowledge…free will…but He’s there. Some only want to see Him in the places and things that fit into their box, but He’s inside and outside that security zone. Others just refuse to be open to the possibility that His messages of guidance can be found within and outside of religious doctrine…again free will. My writing is done to inspire those that resonate with my words, and myself. I hope you are inspired, but if not, then I send you off with light and love…you too, have to be your authentic self.
The second decision was much harder, but even more necessary. I had to decide my worth when it came to love and a healthy passionate relationship. I had to let go of the fear of losing my soulmate, if my authentic self, wants, and needs were not being fulfilled. I had to set parameters and expectations, so my worth was met. Some folks think expectations are bad, because no one can meet them…I fell for that fallacy too. NO MORE.
Expectations, like compromise, are the foundation of any truly loving relationship, so is respectful conflict. No matter what anyone says, we all have expectations of another. We may not voice them, but if they are not fulfilling a need by the person we love, we let them know. Those surprise attacks are why disrespectful conflict with raised voices happen, and compromise is seen as giving in…anything to avoid the honesty of “this is not working for me.”
My decision to love myself first, so that I could truly love, came with a heartbreaking cost. I would have to give up the one man I deeply loved and wanted to spend my life with, in order to find the one man that deeply loved me and wanted to make a commitment to that love. It was not an easy decision, but it was made, and I had to move on.
The idea of dating again is not scary, but not one I am jumping for joy or into it either. It takes time to heal from the disappointment of being set aside and abandoned after that kind of love (more details than I am willing to share publicly – believe me the combination of our love was powerful, internally and externally), but it is done. My worth is set, along with my expectations. The parameters are negotiable, but my worth and deservingness are not.
Since dating right now is not my priority or even really a thought, I decided I wanted to write short pieces on a daily basis…the blog will be weekly, but with so much to write, I thought it would be fun to begin a new page, THE DAILY MUSE, of my writing, thoughts, photos, etc.…the style or layout is not set in stone, just the desire to express myself. I hope you resonate with my works…and maybe get inspired to work your gifts by actually giving others a chance to enjoy them.
See ya tomorrow…