MY AUTHENTIC SELF

January 2, 2019

WELCOME 2019 – LET’S GET THIS THING ON THE ROAD

 

JANUARY 2, 2019

 

 

During 2018 I had lessons to learn from my past…as I have said before, we are  made up of the core we were born with, and as we grow that core is embraced by love and by unkindness that at times shakes a person’s faith and ability to forgive.  Sometimes that fear is so deep within in our cells that we do not realize how an event or word stuck to our soul, creating a world that enslaves to the past.  This past year due to a small girl’s own horrific sexual assault, I had to finally address my own assault forty-eight years ago.  I wish my past could have been triggered by anything other than her pain, but the truth is that she saved my life.  What did that event do to my core?  My deep core of vision and insight that I was gifted with at birth. 

 

That event followed a conversation I had with my daddy weeks before leading up to shift from being just me - the little girl that grew into a woman that hid much of her core beliefs.  I have written about that conversation, so I will summarize it here.  As a small child, I had dreams that allowed me to see events in the future…I did not realize that was what was happening at the time.  After the incident actually occurred, I would get startled.  I could finish adult’s sentences without hesitation…I actually could hear their words, before they spoke them.  I was not frightened by the visions, nor did I see it as anything special about my abilities.  It was just me, but Dad did not like it.  He was scared that others would think I was insanely crazy.  Daddy was really scared, so he told me to stop doing that and never tell anyone.  I can hear his words to this day, “Cynthia, you are not to dream that stuff, and never tell anyone.  People will think you’re crazy, and you won’t have any friends.  No one will love you.”

 

So, I stopped.  I stopped being me, my most authentic self.  The aftermath of the assault forced me into hiding even more.  My parent’s reactions added another layer of somehow I was at fault – I was different now – tainted.  I do not blame them.  It was a different era; a different way of seeing children as victims, and a world without tools to help my parents help me.  All the same, I never, until this past year, even approached the aftermath of the events of the summer of 1969.

 

When I pulled this set of cards, I smiled bigger than I have since watching each of my kids walk across the stage at the end of their high school and college graduations.  I knew what I had to do, and it was going to flip out some folks.  Being g authentic is not normal, and that is okay.  Let us take a look at the cards:

 

Right off the bat, “Follow Your Own Rhythm.”  Step up to the plate and swing.  Live your core without apologies; it does not mean you are more than others, nor does it mean you are less than others.  You are you, like Popeye says, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am.”  Animal spirits are the coolest messages to gain guidance from, especially if like me, you love the animal kingdom.  The ground hog talks to us about letting go of the pain, bitterness, and anger being held in our souls.  Christ speaks of forgiveness as the only path to peace of mind, and the Buddha tells us that holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot piece of coal in our hand all day long. 

 

My favorite piece of wisdom I heard this year was from a pastor in a tiny church.  She told the members, “If I offend you, shame on me and I apologize.  If you stay offended, shame on you for not allowing your heart to forgive.”  Move on folks.  You do not want your last breath to be one of regret.  Pass into the light in love.

 

The Stag advises us, as individuals, to take the lead; in my case, to forgive where and when others will not.  Forgive them and forgive myself…lead the way in letting go.  I love how the Pig speaks directly to the thought process. (Side note, I really love pigs, so this one was a very loud and clear message to my hamsters and me!)  Our own thoughts are what will eat us alive.  How many times during the day do you create your own drama, fears, doubts, and anxiety?  How many times does that dramatic fear truly come about?  One of my favorite Bible verses is Matthew 6:25-27:

 

“…I tell you, do not worry about your life, … Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?’

 

The second I start worrying about my life, finances, relationships, etc., I say this verse to myself.  I am still have my fears and concerns when it comes to my children and grandchildren, but I figure the Good Lord will let me pass on a Mother’s ingrained emotion.  Pig is right, watch where your minds goes.  Reign it in, and be at peace.  And the Sandpiper wraps it up nicely.

 

When you are processing the past and finding your way forward, you have to step away at times and just have fun. Lighten the load, give the pain to Christ, write in a journal to release the words and feelings from your heart and soul, and then put it all away, if only for a few hours a day.  Do not let the past, a person, or words own your life, so much that your laughter lives only at the surface.

 

Let go, lead yourself back to your core, watch those worrying, doubting thoughts, and let lose, if even for a moment.

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